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Barbaric Love: We are Poly, and we got herpes.What to say to future partners, what not to say

  • Joe Newton
  • This Week’s Savage Love


We are a happy couple from Europe, a longtime reader, both in their thirties and sometimes interested in having sex with others. Prior to the pandemic, we were invited to a private sex party in the major European capitals. It was an age- and face-controlled Swinger’s Night with a background check of all participants. It was our first experience and it was stunningly amazing and very sexy, even though we were shy and not fooled by others. But we promised to go back and explore further. After that, COVID-19 occurred and I could not travel. I decided to interact with other people locally. We had amazing 3Ps and 4Ps, and it all worked tremendously, from the part where we get herpes from another couple. The other couple didn’t know they had it or didn’t mind disclosing it. In my study, herpes was not as common as in the United States and was very disappointing, but after educating myself and taking medicine, I decided to stay connected with others. I believe it’s the right thing to do, so tell everyone in advance. Some cut us off, some don’t care, some admit that they also have it, that’s why they admitted it without us first “cleaning up” I always leave us doubts.

We’re still part of the online community that hosted that great party, where things are happening and they’re starting to plan their next event. I want to go back. My question is: can we? What should we do? Should I tell everyone about herpes? Or is it the risk you take in an orgy involving more than 50 people? We read a lot about infections and sometimes know that skin-to-skin contact is sufficient. We also know that you may not be aware of herpes. That is, other participants may already have herpes and do not know it. So what is the right thing to do? Should we abandon this orgy for the rest of our lives? Do you take virus suppressants that weekend and have sex with as many people as possible without worry?

— Seriously wonder about explicit disclosure after a pandemic

PS I’ve found some advice online on this issue from Betty Dodson, written in 2009, and I’d love to hear your thoughts.

Hmm. Invited swapping parties with “age and face controlled” background checks (ie no old man *, no ugly **) will also ask prospective attendees some questions about sexual health. If the organizer of this party does not require you to disclose that you have herpes or other sexually transmitted diseases-they are implementing safer sex protocols that minimize the risk of infection, and / Or because they assume very correctly that everyone has a sexually transmitted disease, 50 strangers already have herpes overnight, or at least want to take it as an opportunity — I don’t think you need to disclose it.

Do not confuse “I don’t think you need to” with “I don’t think you should”. I think you should disclose — I think you should continue to disclose — and if disclosure hurt you from your guest list, SWAPPED, you are another in other major European capitals There are other opportunities to have sex with people in Europe. That is, you were disclosing to a local couple and didn’t want the opportunity exactly, even during a pandemic. (People who weren’t worried about catching COVID-19 during a pandemic were probably not over yet, but probably weren’t too worried about catching herpes.) Yes, ghosts after you disclosed Some couples gave out, but I wasn’t scared as long as it sounded as much. And a ghostly couple? Some people already have herpes and don’t know it — and HPV is also replaced because both of these very common STIs are easily transmitted through skin-to-skin contact. ..

Those who want to avoid contracting with them should not have multiple sex partners — or. definitely. Given how common these infections are and how easy they are to get infected, there are no sex partners at all. Also, those who participate in orgy, that is, those who have sexual activity, undergo regular STI screening, are treated for treatable STI, and have sex (or sex) if they are symptomatic or infectious. You need to refrain from attending the party. (And everyone can and should be vaccinated with the HPV vaccine. People with herpes reduce the frequency and intensity of herpes and reduce the chances of transmitting herpes to others. Can be taken.)

And what you have to disclose is my official position, but like you, I think it’s right to disclose, so my informal position is with 50 strangers in the European capital. Anyone who has sex, whether major or minor, volunteered for herpes.

PS Slow and great Betty Dodson wasn’t meant to chop words. Not only did Dodson tell the herpes couple that they didn’t need to disclose it unless asked in the column SWAPPED found, but they didn’t tell their partner that they had herpes until the relationship was 10 years old. I also shared that. .. (“Organizational guilt because we didn’t share that we have herpes,” July 7, 2009). “I don’t like our society turning herpes into a sexually transmitted disease,” Dodson wrote. “My first outbreak of genital herpes was in the ’70s. If I didn’t have genital herpes at the time, it meant I wasn’t having sex. It was like a badge of sexual abundance.”

I am a 24-year-old heterosexual French man. (I’m sorry in English.) I love my girlfriend.Our relationship is deep and we listen and understand [each] In addition, thank you [each] Other. Sex is great, really great. We try different things and try to satisfy common and other needs. Simply put, everything with her and our relationship is perfect. The only thing is that she wants our relationship to be monogamous, and I want to have sex with 75% of the girls I bump into. This is usually not a big deal. Because … I’m not particularly attractive, so not many girls want to have sex with me. But during the four years we were together, I had some opportunities to say no. After kissing another girl, the next day I confessed this to my girlfriend. Now, whenever I’m attracted to someone else, I immediately talk to my girlfriend. She doesn’t blame me for finding other women attractive or confessing that I’m flirting with other women, but she knows she feels sick about it .. If I have to choose, I always choose her — but I love to flirt. I’ve never had sex with someone else, so I want to see what it’s like to have sex with someone else. But at the same time, I don’t want to hurt her and I can’t control my instincts, so I feel like a child. How do people get out of this situation?

— Escape sexual intercourse enthusiastically and relentlessly excited

First … your English is much better than my (non-existent) French. You don’t have to be offended about it.

Second … If you want to feel sick about something, you feel sick about desire, jerk to your girlfriend. In other words, OH MY GOD, DUDE, SHUT THE FUCK UP. Stop running to your girlfriend to “confess” every time you have an impure idea about another woman. It’s just cruel to constantly and unnecessarily remind your girlfriend that you want to have sex with another woman. You don’t have to tell her because she knows it, desire. You are not honest, not transparent, you hate. This is a relationship, a desire, not an anonymous, passive meeting of monogamists. (“Hello, my name is ASSHOLE BOYFRIEND. I’ve been monogamous for four years and I’m having a hard time every day.”)

If you don’t want to have a monogamous relationship with this woman, DESIRE, if monogamy isn’t the admission fee you’re willing to pay, end this relationship. But if it’s a price you’re willing to pay, desire, pay it, and stop sexual intercourse about it. If you can’t stop fucking about it-if you can’t keep these thoughts on yourself and / or find someone to confide about them (friends? Bartenders? Pompia?)- Your girlfriend notices that she is paying too much and throw away your ass.

* Of course, age is just a number, but individuals or groups of people can find themselves and / or sex partners in the desired age range-and I could be excluded from this particular person Says as the tallest person my age-based sex party.

** To attract a sex partner, one does not have to be as attractive as before. And people are as attractive as ever in every sense and can repel more people than they can attract.

Barbaric Love: We are Poly, and we got herpes.What to say to future partners, what not to say

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